today morning kana wake up by the phone.
my dad called.
wa, i very annoyed.
very sad, i shout at my dad...
2 times!! T.T
a moment of anger. haiz.

don't feel like going to west coast agian.
cause i will be going with my big bro.
... sian.

when my dad driving,
he keep on saying about christian,
how bad i am, how wrong i am.

he say my results like that still dare to share the gospel.
not clever enough, still want to think i know something.
results like that how to know what the bible says.
only listen to other people, don't know anything myself.
didn't experience anything, at there talk crap.
never care about the people outside only care about church,
all church friends, church things.
never help volunteer in chun shen but go church help.
help only for church people but not to the people outside.
don't know about christianity well enough to share the gospel.
never put in effort in studies.
don't care about anything.
don't know how to think.
don't know how to survive myself, still want to say what God.
anyhow share the gospel.
anyhow call people to go to church.
don't know anything..
lalalala~~~

cried in the car.
when i want to tell him that what he say was wrong,
he don't let me talk,
he just keep talking and talking.
VERY LOUDLY.
the whole car filled with all the talking.

i gave up and didn't talk.
he call me not to talk too much crap.
then i don't talk loh.
he ask me questions i also don't care, then he asume =.=

very sad.
then i remember what God told me.
suffer for the gospel?
this is how i suffer?
give up my time with friends to family and all i get was all this?
ok, this is just the beginning, i have to know..
its nothng.. the beginning.
and God ask me somthing,
if i have to die because not enough air.
as in, full of rats around, worms, all these pest.
and die for cnt breath and this will let everyone go to heaven,
am i willing?

i sure doubt de.
sure think thnk and think.
but this would save the whole world,
if its a promise, i will do it, right now!
i am willing God.

reached west coast.
every moment i am with my father.
always by his side, holding his hands.
he didn't really interect with his family.
and there is a kind of strange feeling.
we went there to pinic.
then my dad buy lots of food..
but we didn't even touch any food.
if we want, we buy it from the mac.
not that we are rich or what.
like, we don't belong to them.
and if we drink or eat, we sit far far away from them.
we didn't even sit on the mat.

i realise how lonely my dad was before.
whenever he goes to his family side,
he will be alone.
very sad..
i want to accompany him.
i will hold him by my side.
let him feel that i am always there.
i want to let him know i still care.

my mum don't go there.
i don't know why.
this is also the reason my dad was lonely.
he always call me to go, cause none of my bros will.
now i know what he really want.

i am sorry for the times i shout at him,
saying i don't feel like going, i don't want to go.
tell him how boring it was.. how sian it was.

i promise i will go with him.

-Xiaowei

10:48 AM