i can't help it. so sick and tired of seeing myself living this way.
1stly, i am sian about the way people around me do things.
and now i am sick of myself! it is kind of weird and this is not the 1st time.

today, after school, half of my class were having pure chem remedial.
I wanted to join them and learn pure chem..
keep blaming myself for not study harder.
if only.. if only.. if only..
I am always like that, not doing my best in everything.
and the 'i am always like that' its a lie! i have been living by it!
this irritating thoughts make me not to strive for my best.
i am so angry, so sad and regretted giving in to my thoughts.
i always give in and get nothing. ARGGG

during sci chem. remedial, i was thinking of me always giving in.
i always face situation like, when people need help, i will help,
but when i need help, nobody was there. very discouraging.
and i won't say it out, because i don't want anyone to do something that is not out of their concern.
I am just tired of seeing people looking at people having difficulties and actually ignore them!
I hate this. and i know God feels 100000000 times worst than i feel.

Ask you, why people would see something and won't help?
they actually didn't see it?
or want to help don't know how, so ignore?
or what?
i feel so irritated. would you feel uncomfortable when you leave someone behind struggling?
i would, and i definitely would go and help. i mean, i can't help it.
still don't' understand.. its complicated.

i don't want to continue, my brain will burst.

i am just sad that i always procrastinate and end up having nothing.

I want to study hard,
I want to be the top,
I want to get awards,
I want to go uni,
I want to get a good job,
I want to live my dreams
and it all comes back to God.

'Get right with Me first'.

-Xiaowei

12:16 AM