i loaned 3 random books again.
but i didn't read it.
instead, i lend the book, Jesus freak from wei =D
it was stories of people who died for their faith.
it is a must read for anyone, even non-Christians.
it shows how much people are willing to die, even slow death
i was half way through this book.

i feel so ashamed of myself, taking everything for granted.
it is a miracle that i am still living with my family.
yet, i always desire more comfort from anything.
i have bible, yet i didn't treasure it.
the presence of bible doesn't make any different.
except that when i read it, God speak to me.

reading that people constantly seeking God,
getting closer to God and have such close rls.
i was asking myself, is my love different?
is my love pure for God? or its something else, and i name it love?
will i do the same when i am in that situation?

nobody love physical discomfort,
i cannot even take the stomach pain pain. xD

i also read that people are constantly sharing.
eh, they are in the prison know?
they are being tortured and yet still sharing.
why am i starting to slack? is it tired?
there Christians share, praise God and pray even till their last minute.
they treasure every minute they live.
yet, i just relax and do nothing. ahh..

yes, that's the truth.
i know my rls with God is not so close.
i need to start following Him, i want to.
i want to be a Godly woman.

i also notice that people who are persecuted are always alone.
they share the gospel alone, in prison, in other countries.
they travel alone, do everything alone.
what they have is only God.
can i survive being alone? leaving my family?(if needed)
and when they are by themselves, everyone is against them.
it took courage to share the gospel, which is a crime(in some countries)
everyone is against you, saying you're wrong and you are alone.
you can only depend on God and stand strong.

they don't even have bibles! and some don't need them.
they just communicate with God directly and remember what they read.
so much perseverance, so much love.

they smile when being torture,
pray for the soldiers and share the good news when being beaten up.
sing songs to God when being sentence to death.
remain so calm even when the situation was so shameful.

i don't understand.
that love, that love
i want to have such love for God.

it is totally foolish to the world,
but until you know God,
you won't know how real He is,
that you are willing to die for Him.

haha, its no logic to believe,
but God itself is with no logic.

-Xiaowei

7:37 AM