it is really hard to go out of your comfort zone to talk to someone you really wants to avoid.
iya, whats my problem, why am i always avoiding someone?
i think i avoid everyone.

i don't know, some times i just get lost on who i really am.
i am just a totally a different person every where.
my actions changes, everything changes.

i realise that i treat people differently according to how reliable that person is.
its complicated, i mean, not everyone know who they really are.
if i feel that i should not talk too much in this situation,
i will normally just keep very quiet and relax my face (your so called black face)
if i am with my close friends, family & relatives,
i will tend to be very hyper and talk a lot.

even in church, i am still trying to make myself to talk more.
i mean, if i don't know you, i don't want to talk to you.
cause, i really dislike to make people feel uncomfortable.
like, you can't take my jokes.

now, i am even stopping myself from joking.

------------

i am seriously very irritated by these people.
i am not going to care about how you guys think i am.
i know i am different, and i don't need to do things to be in line with everyone.
i do what is right and not what is norm.
and i don't need to make everyone my friends.
i find it really really sad to see hypocrites around.
they are just living life to please others,
what is their purpose? have the most friends?
friends will just leave you one day, thats the truth.
nobody will remember you as the most famous person in school.
stop wasting your time building buildings that will fall.

not that we don't make friends,
but don't make friends that will lead you to foolish acts.
make lasting friends.
examples are, jayme, xinyi, soosien
i rather to have few real friends than thousands fake friends.

i really want you guys to open your eyes and realise.
please, give yourself a chance to be yourself.
you only have one life, be yourself.
say what you like and what you don't like.
how you say it is another problem..

ok.. if you become yourself, will you be like me?
not really, cause i am different from you.

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i really thank God that He open my eyes in certain areas.
at least, i know He is the only one that i can depend one.
the only one that can fill my emptiness in my heart.
nobody will know how it feels when you actually know Him.

when i see people, even my bestfriends, black slide..
its like a torture to me. i don't know what to do.
i cannot force anyone to come back to You.
I just pray that God will open their eyes.

one moment, i am thanking God for bringing my friends to Christ.
next moment, i was all alone praising God.
kind of discouraging, i don't want to dwell in it.
God also told me not to resent about that.
i can only pray and keep asking them to come to church.

Jesus, just let them see your glory.

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i guess, none can understand me.
the things i do and give in to.
its kind of foolish to be so guai.
why be so good, nobody will reward you.

firstly, i am a Christian, i represent Christ.
but, i don't want this label to stress me.
i want to be real and be good, because God called us to.
then, because i want to treat people nicely,
and forgive them even when they do bad things to me.
i know they don't know God, thats why its normal for them to take revenge.

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i dream about christian =D
i met christian today in republic and will meeting him everyday.
talk to him and he told me how he felt.
yah, we really talk a lot.
he recognise lie from the satan and God take of his blindfold.
he was actually discouraged, but after me talking to him,
he knew it all now, he can see the whole pic now.
what he really want to say to everyone is..
'I need you guys to trust me that i can do it.'
thats all, he can do it.

he cut his hair. lol
anyway, thats not the point.
point is, i will be meeting him everyday!! yeah!

okok, to say my dream..
its a kampong place and one of my cg member staying with me.
sudden'y, chris's mum come knocking my room door.
and started pulling my hands out of the room.
they want to torture us and kill us
they want to warn the cg to ignore christian
they also treaten to kill him if we don't give in.
its like, so confusing.
i don't want chris to die, nor do i want to be tortured.
when i was struggling, i thought of giving in.
at least i know God and i have shared to my family.
chris family needs the gospel too.
but at that split second, i woke up.

i was just about to give in and i woke up.
i woke up, i thought its real.
now i know, God wants to remind me of true fellowship.
i got your msg God. =D

-Xiaowei

3:43 AM